The Pocket Memos of Severus Snape
by infiniteviking
Summary: Take an amusing peek into the daily tribulations of the sardonic and severely harassed Potions Master of Hogwarts. He has opinions on just about everything. Extremely random. Probable oneshot. NO HBP SPOILERS: haven't read it yet.


This document contains NO HBP SPOILERS!

**The Pocket Memos of Severus Snape**

**o0o**

_Dear Professor McGonagall,_

_Please find enclosed half a black pocket memo book, slightly scorched, which Ron and I dug out of the rubble this morning. We had to break the encryption spell to find out who it belonged to, although, honestly, one would have expected Professor Snape to evolve an encryption that couldn't be broken by two teenagers and forty ounces of straight caffeine. For this reason, you should probably consider the possibility that this book is a ruse, and that it was **meant** to be found by someone unfriendly to the author. Not that we are. Unfriendly, that is. Anyway, we only read enough to identify the owner and see if there were any clues to his current whereabouts, so you can tell him that if he ever turns up to claim it. _

H. Granger 

--

Appropriate to devote this first page to additional supplies requisition for this term's Potions classes. Quantities to be determined according to the syllabus. If you have the unmitigated gall to be reading this, Potter, I hope that it bores you out of your featherweight mind.

Aconite, fresh / pressed

Asphodel, fresh / pressed

Asp flake

Asp venom, light-sealed

Bat chaudron (common fruitbat)

Bat fangs (African vampire)

Boomslang (note: Potter - detention)

Chuntwood

Dragon heartstring (Horntail, as Ridgeback is flaccid this season)

Gillyweed (note: Potter - detention): fresh, dried, distilled

Eye of newt, desiccated / golden / peeled / pickled / stunted / unnerved

Lacewing: all major varieties

Mustard seed

Ox gall, green, twenty gallons

Sorrel, pressed

Wormwood, bark / root / stem / distilled

Hagrid: start a tray of black slugs to mature in November. Also, eighty-six tarantulas PRECISELY. I shall inspect the invoice.

Sprout: dragon's wing, yarrow, blood clover, etc.

--

Third-year essay: Properties of solutions v. hot and cold suspensions. Three feet, incl. classic colours, scents, densities, differences in preparation and uses.

Third-year report: Procedure for brewing Strengthening Solution. Usual format, observing all formalities and indicating possible causes of any erroneous result. POINTS WILL BE TAKEN FOR EXCESSIVE VERBOSITY.

--

(Carbon)

Headmaster,

I will be unable to attend the Sorting feast this term. Nott and Bulstrode will welcome the first-year Slytherins. I will, however, be available in the common room after the Sorting.

S. Snape

P.S. If a single student in this year is named Mary Sue, I will not be responsible for the consequences.

--

(Carbon)

Headmaster,

Confound you. I will come. But I will NOT 'demonstrate friendly interest' to the first-years.

--

Note to kitchens: I did not request lemon meringue. Should I be unfortunate enough to attend another feast at this Institution, kindly disregard the Headmaster's importuning regarding my choice of desserts.

--

Second-year essay: Five reasons why Dormiens Draught must be stirred counterclockwise rather than clockwise. Seven inches. POINTS WILL BE TAKEN FOR INCORRECT GRAMMAR OR SPELLING.

Second-year report: Preparation and storage of simple Dormiens Draught. Adhere to format in book. Then rewrite according to preferred laboratory format, noting differences in blue ink.

--

Five ounces of powdered griffin claw missing from stores. **POTTER!**

(Attached sticky-note: _Professor McGonagall – Harry didn't take it. We needed it, but we got it from someone else. They must have raided Professor Snape's supply closet. We didn't know. Sorry._)

--

(Carbon)

Copy to all professors. Excuse Moon from classes this week, as he is ill. Zabini will assist him in making up the work. S. Snape

(End carbon)

The boy will require two days in St Mungo's. Note to his parents, Inviolate charms on his belongings, Portkey requisition, allow twenty minutes in which to explain Ministry paperwork. At least he'll learn one thing from this debacle.

--

Get Argus to remove the graffiti from the wall opposite my dungeon. Who knew a Hufflepuff could generate such a wealth of invective. Twenty points and a week's detention, I think.

--

So it glows in the dark. It is the work of a fifth-year Hufflepuff. How difficult can it be to remove?

Word with Professor Sprout. If the compound is really indelible, it might be valuable to Magical Law Enforcement, or, indeed, to my own profession. (Analyze properties of the glow it produces. Does it affect light-sensitive systems besides the optic nerve?) It is her place to encourage creativity in her House.

--

Iron test cauldrons need cleaning. Give Longbottom detention.

--

REPLACE TWELVE FLASKS all cracked LONGB DETENT

--

Caught DM pestering Potter's squires this morning. Obtuse fool and his petty personal grudges will ruin everything yet. Little is he aware. Five points from the egregious know-it-all for blatant imperviousness to provocation.

(Attached sticky-note: _Professor McGonagall – This is probably the nicest compliment he ever gave me. HG_)

--

Speak to my House regarding the advantages and perils of trust. Example: the Headmaster.

--

Next seventh-year detention: sharpen ingredient knives and remove rust from graters. Fumble-fingered fools should be able to accomplish this much in their seventh year without slicing digits off. Also, two inches on uses of major cleaning compounds.

--

(Carbon)

MINERVA, STOP PROWLING AROUND MY DUNGEONS or at least leave the spiderwebs be, as I would not be glad to have to replace them this late in the year. S. Snape

P.S. It would be most gratifying were you to cease leaving pawprints in my cauldrons.

--

Meet (obscured by heavy strikeout lines) at the (ditto) in order to (ditto). Interfere with _that_, Potter. I dare you.

(Attached sticky-note: _We couldn't undo the obliteration. I think it's a ruse and there wasn't anything there in the first place. HG_)

--

If Argus were more than a squib I should probably despise him.

As it is, I despise him.

Such is life.

--

Note to kitchens: I am certain that I left instructions regarding the Headmaster's unfortunate propensity to take an unwarranted interest in my eating habits. Need I remind you that _I did not order lemon meringue_? If dessert is so important to him, let him have the double portion and LEAVE ME ALONE.

--

I have become heartily sick of that graffiti.

--

The Ministry is composed of nattering dunderheads. 'Ordering' Elusavaerum as though I might have a bottle rattling around the dungeon someplace. My second years, who are hardly more intelligent, already know that Elusavaerum is volatile and must be put up twelve months in advance for a shelf life of three days. Let them owl Durmstrang for it – if they are simple enough to accept a raw distillation, in which case they deserve the unpleasant consequences.

--

Prepare lab and set aside seven hours for grading essays while Wolfsbane is brewing. Requisition school owls: one horned or three barred as available. Unbreakable charm on the flask. Normal procedure will be followed, however distasteful the actual purpose. If the beast wasn't working with children, I swear I'd let it chew itself to death.

Confound the Headmaster and his machinations.

Asphodel and wormwood. My rest, at least, shall be inviolate.

--

(Carbon)

Madame Hooch,

Perhaps you recall that when the rules were so graciously bent for Mr Potter in his first year, I had occasion to warn you that other students would attempt to circumvent them in the same manner. The recent spate of first-year flying accidents and smuggled broom supplies proves my point amply.

Whether or not you intended to take any action on these events, I must inform you that BROOMSTICKS ARE NOT PERMITTED IN THE DUNGEONS. Not big ones, not small ones, not fast ones, not slow ones. And especially not wild ones bearing terrified first-years who have yet to learn the first rudiments of broom control.

Feel free to drop in and view the damage. You may wish to speak to your students about rules, and about why Mr Potter is permitted to flout them while other students are not. I wish you much joy in impressing them with the distinction.

S. Snape

--

Requisition 1 standard Potions bench, 2 silver-plated mortars, 2 complete sets of test tubes, and a bezoar. Detention for Longbottom until he learns how to handle sensitive ingredients properly. Which may be indefinitely; therefore detention shall be served with Filch.

--

First-year essay: Major properties of and uses for Shrinking Solution, seven inches. Addendum: at least two inches on cleanliness in working conditions, including twenty possible disasters attributable to such careless errors as spattered ink, crumbled biscuit, or hairs touching the surface of a boiling cauldron. Requisition 1 vial of burn cream from Pomfrey. Will they never learn? No. Never.

First-year report: Proper distillation of Shrinking Solution, with correct spelling for all components and instruments.

Next first-year detention: polish all flasks, inside and out, taking care not to leave fingerprints, and then two inches on detrimental effect of trace skin oils on first-year Potions projects.

--

Invite second-year Slytherin parents, especially the fathers, to discuss students' futures. Set aside five evenings in various locations. Study Blaine's parents especially: does the boy require intervention?

--

(Carbon)

PROFESSOR McGONAGALL, KINDLY KEEP YOUR STUDENTS AWAY FROM MY DUNGEONS OUTSIDE OF CLASSES. These are dangerous times. I will have no one exploring this domain uninvited and ESPECIALLY unmonitored. If they choose to disregard your warning, the consequences will not be pleasant. S. Snape

--

(Carbon)

Professor McGonagall,

Detentions are, of course, an exception to the dungeon rule. I do hope that is clear. If so, kindly inform Mr Weasley that his detention resumes at six o'clock tomorrow night. He will receive an extra night of detention for presuming to rewrite my ordinances.

S. Snape

--

Suggest Flitwick have Lovegood tested for ADD, narcolepsy, compulsive lying, addiction to calming draughts, and various learning disabilities. A prescription of Tenser Tincture might be in order as well. Choose a time when the Golden Gryffindors are within earshot – they'll be more likely to take action.

Flitwick's expression will compensate for the inconvenience of having to meddle with Lovegood's affliction. The girl is going to walk off a cliff by accident someday. Do I have to think of everything around here?

--

And of course, the entire staff spends six hours combing the castle for the Untouchable Trio, who conveniently neglected to leave their solicitous house-mates a note when they trotted off on their latest sordid escapade.

One day, their carelessness will result in serious injuries to themselves or other students, and the Headmaster will be unable to continue whitewashing their misdeeds. It is only a matter of time. My sole comfort is the fact that no one will be able to say I didn't warn them.

--

(Carbon)

Headmaster,

Must discuss next year's Slytherin Prefects and Head Boy and Girl, as well as students' home situations, specifically Blaine, Bulstrode, Goyle, Heron, Malfoy, Nott, Plackett, Stafford, Zabini. No, I do not want a sherbet lemon.

S. Snape

--

Obtain Potions Registry paperwork for (obscured here by a series of heavy strikeout lines)

--

Wards broken on my supply closet. Someone _invisible_ who _escaped_ when I entered the room. _Sludge_ in my best cold cauldron, and _scorch marks_ on the bottom. Even Longbottom wouldn't make such a stupid mistake. **POTTER!**

Requisition new cold cauldron. Can I charge Potter for it?

(Attached sticky-note: _Professor McGonagall – We'll pay for it. We hoped if we did it badly enough, he wouldn't suspect Neville. HG_)

--

(Carbon)

Headmaster,

I will not allow the cavalier attitude evinced by certain older students to influence the development of my first-years. The rivalry between Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy has escalated to the point of being a heinous example for the moral and social development of the younger students. I respectfully request that you or Professor McGonagall discuss this with Potter at the first available opportunity. If nothing is done, I will take matters into my own hands.

S. Snape

(Copy to Minerva McGonagall)

--

DM reading up on Humilius Curses. He knows my policy. I will not permit their use upon students of my House. If Potter is too stupid to protect himself or his entourage, it's his own idiotic fault.

--

If I never see another Minstry owl, it will be too s

(The remainder of the document was charred beyond retrieval.)

--


End file.
